Learning Outcome 1– My approach to revision is to read over my paper and then also have someone else read it over. An important part of this is reading it out loud, this really helps because when you’re looking over your writing silently it’s easier to miss things and make mistakes you wouldn’t have if you’d read it out loud. I decided what to change by having people peer edit my paper and by just in-detail going over it and looking out for specific local and global revisions. My revision process is pretty dependent on peer revision and reading my essay out loud. I’m easily able to pick out local and global issues with my writing because I know what a good essay looks like but when it comes to the more specific global revisions, that’s where it gets tricky for me. I struggle with where I need to go more into depth and where I don’t. That’s something I still needed to work on being able to pick out in future essays. After getting my paperback for essay two and my podcast I saw that I was refining my revision process even more because I was making fewer mistakes and relying less on other people to give me feedback because I was able to notice error myself.

Rough Draft: 

Final Draft: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1S8IvuJMrlHw4LCkDr5oFUGAwfZJ2-Ss5UDB__88Y-M0/edit

Learning Outcome 2- I integrated sources into my essay by using the main points I pulled from my thesis statement for the main subject of each of my paragraphs and then used supporting evidence to prove my point. I pulled from Epstein and Hallward and introduced the quotes and author, then stated my quotes, and summed up my quote or kind of rephrased it and finally explained how it connected back to my main point and either how it connected to other authors or other ideas. For example,

“Social cohesion is flourishing in this part of Africa because the healthy young population has strong relationships with family members, friends, or people in their community affected by the disease due to living in such close vicinity. Epstein states, “…Ugandans do seem more willing to openly address painful issues in their life” (116). The shame and negative stigma that’s being associated with the disease in South Africa is cast aside here because of the open, curious conversations people are having about the disease itself. Social cohesion is being allowed to happen to its full extent because of the shame derived from stigmas has transformed into a powerful social force.”

I added some context to the quote and introduced Epstein then stated the quote and explained it, while making sure to connect it back to what I was discussing.

 

Learning Outcome 4-

The peer evaluation I feel most proud of is the comments and advice I left on Hannah Kaplan’s rough draft of her essay #1. My first comment was, “If this is your thesis statement, I would embed it in your intro instead of using it as a conclusion sentence” I coded this as an idea because it dealt with thesis. I also left a few other comments that were coded as evidence either because I was complimenting their writing or commenting something about their quotation sandwich structure. My fourth comment was, “These sentences sound kind of choppy here. Maybe combine them and expand.” This was an organization comment because it dealt with moving things around. My goals for this area in the future are to leave more comments on smaller, local areas. I would like to give more advice on a smaller scale because at times that can be more helpful than global revision comments. I want to make sure I give people advice in all the areas.

 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/168UQX0yjwHKkRYyxetY_Dlyanq8imgWR6TBKu_e1P3E/edit?ts=5c5e4fc4

 

Learning Outcome 5 & 6:

I think I did pretty well with my MLA citations in both my rough and final draft of my essay. I introduced the author and their work before starting their quote and then put either the time of the podcast in parenthesis that I pulled it from or the page of the article. For example, “Epstein states, “…Ugandans do seem more willing to openly address painful issues in their life” (116).” The only thing I need to work on here is quoting my paraphrasing. I didn’t catch my mistake of not quoting my source while paraphrasing in my rough draft, therefore it carried over into my final draft, unfortunately. For example,

“Social cohesion is flourishing in this part of Africa because the healthy young population has strong relationships with family members, friends, or people in their community affected by the disease due to living in such close vicinity.”

I didn’t put the page of Epstein’s article I got this from. This is something I will definitely work on and keep in mind while writing my next essay. As far as my works cited goes, that’s something I’ve had a lot of practice with, so I’ve pretty much got it down and it looks the same for both my rough and final drafts.